Tackle problems.......
Dear Murph,
Ever since my partner has become a qualified referee I find him pursing
his lips and blowing his whistle at the most inappropriate times. For
instance last night whilst sharing an intimate moment he blew and
shouted 'off side' I was extremely startled and when I objected he
ordered me to the 'sin bin' I was made to stand at the end of the bed
and told that play would continue without me....I am barred from my
local supermarket because of an incident in the bakery dept where myself
and another shopper were forced to scrum for the last packet of crusty
rolls and he pointed at a lady in the cake section and said she looked
like a Hooker. I am now on medication for my nerves and can't help
resenting his new position in the rugby world. Is there any advice you
can give me to help us both through this difficult time?
Yours Annonymous, TRFC.
Dear Annonymous,
I know what a distressing time it must be for you. I’m sure its not the first time a new toy has infatuated him and I’m sure it won’t be the last.
Lets look at the reasons for this sudden bout of megalomania. Without knowing the subject, I would say he is foreign or speaks a language that few understand. For years now people have been barely able to understand him, suddenly he has assumed this position of authority and it has gone to his head. Quite often, people who take up refereeing are loners, quite used to playing with themselves, so don’t be too surprised that play continued without you! A good solution to that particular problem is to threaten to bring an assessor in to analyse his performance. I’m sure his whistle will stay tucked away if you do that.
Public displays of megalomania may be harder to control. Spurred on by a crowd, the newly appointed referee will become over excited, resulting in the kind of thing you experienced in the supermarket. The best solution here is to employ a technique called ‘aversion therapy’, quite common in the canine world. However this has a rugby twist. It’s a variation on the sequence the referee uses to control the scrum. However instead of ‘Crouch – Touch – Pause – Engage’, you replace the engage by pulling hard on his whistle and kicking him in the bo**ocks. This done 2 or 3 times and his behaviour modification should be complete.
Murph
Drinking Problem.....
Dear Murph,
I’m concerned at the pre-Christmas drop in form of our 1st XV. It seems to me to be related to an increased consumption of a certain brand of bottled cider which became popular with many in the team. The case seems to be proven by a dramatic upturn in form since Xmas and the decline in the consumption of said cider. However I’m worried that with some important games coming up and the weather getting warmer, that cider consumption may increase. Do you have any thoughts on this and what can be done to keep them off the cider, until after the Sevens at least?
RD, Swallowfield
Dear RD,
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one concerned with this new fad amongst the 1st team. I think it began with coach Raymond insisting on his players having their ‘5 a day’ fruit and vegetables. Unfortunately it was misinterpreted by most of his players who thought they should have 5+ bottles of cider a day!
Cider affects people differently. Unfortunately it seemed to take the aggressive edge of some of the first team. I was alarmed to see Rob Till, Clippy, Mike Keeley and that Fijian bloke Mason sitting on the first team pitch one day making daisy chains.
I think Chairman Jose is on the case though. I recently heard him say: -
“I’m not getting any more of that f**king bottled cider because I’ve got to take the f**king bottles out to the f**king bin.”
Murph
Strutters looking good.......
Dear Murph,
I would like to raise a question that myself Ben Williams, Toby and Andy would like to raise. Black jeans are sooooo a decade ago we do not look like Strutters none of us own a pair and would ever want to so why is it Black jeans.? We think Bosh and the fellow old Farts in the Strutters are Fashionist!
So we will not be seen in black jeans.Don't you think we should just wear 'jeans' and a funky shirt and start looking like strutters should.
EG - Fashionable!
Kev 'Boss Strutter' Emery
Dear Kev 'Boss Strutter' Emery
It's quite a coincidence you've asked me this question, I was discussing this very topic with my good friend Kate Moss at London Fashion Week recently. Her thoughts were:
"Surely it is only Jeremy Clarkson who wears blue jeans, he is lambasted in the press for doing so, and as a result in the last 5 years blue jean sales have plumeted. So are we saying that we have uncovered a new generation of teenie top gearites aka children of Jeremy (clarkson not pump)? Is this why they muster a number of small coupes between them, all secretly admiring Clarkson and his devotion to the cars of the Italian Stallion? Maybe this why Toby keeps quiet about some bloke called Stig who cuts his hair in the fashion of Richard May."
Yes, I was surprised as well at her knowledge of the Strutters and Toby in particular!
So what's the way forward? Well I think those Strutters who are hair gel compliant should shun the blue and the black jeans and go loud, bold stripes, tartan, big flares, that sort of thing.
Remember you can be a Strutter or be fashionable....but never both!!
Murph
Sextreme Sports.......
Dear Murph,
I'm addicted to South African extreme sports. The problem is I'm married with a small child and worry about my health.
As the captain of a local rugby team we are currently over run with South Africans playing for us, even though the Welsh aren't happy with them, they used to make up the majority of our hard drinking and partying members- JT, Craig and Pete 'Crazy Fist' Williams. I think they are great and I have particularly enjoyed taking part in their sporting hobbies. First it was wrestling when I took on this little fella, I let him win to make him feel welcome to the club.
Now I have been dragged into a much more dark and sinister sport which I suspect is illegal unless you go to a private School- Spanking. After a particular vicious bout with 2 big South Africans and a piece of 2 by 1 I haven't been able to sit down for a week, I loved it though and want to have another go but I'm a respectable married man. I'm not sure how long I can go without it though.
Please help,
Annonymous Cowboy
Dear Cowboy
It’s not unusual for young, ginger professional men to be drawn into the sordid world of BDSM. After a week of business breakfasts, double lattes and fiddling your expense accounts, you want to experience a bit of danger on the weekend.
However you need to be careful, the people you have been dealing with are a particularly hardcore group. You may have heard that one of your “Masters” has a broken arm at the moment. This was from a particularly nasty incident involving a packet of ribbed condoms, a large jar of vaseline, a ferret and a sledge hammer!
So be careful, perhaps set up a group of like minded individuals who enjoy some alternative weekend fun, get dressed up, watch Richard Gere movies. Then when you’re experienced enough, have some fun with the “big boys”.
Murph
Ooops, Who Put That Tree There’ .......
Dear Murph,
I’ve had a few problems with cars over the last few months. At first I wasn’t concerned, a small scrape in my wife’s car which could happen to anyone. Then a couple of weeks ago my sports car somehow became airborne. Fortunately a tree stopped my progress after spinning 5 or 6 times. I’m not bothered about the car, I’ve got loads of them at home. Can you offer any driving tips to keep me on the road?
'Not Nice' Wokefield
Dear 'Not Nice'
I wouldn’t worry too much, that little bloke on Top Gear couldn’t even drive on the flat in a straight line without bollocksing it up! I’d hate to see him drive through the legendary Burghfield hidden dip.
If you’re still worried, here’s a few tips:
Keep your eyes open.
Put the sunroof down before you start driving, not while driving.
Get a proper car, as far as I know you aren’t a hairdresser, gay or experiencing a mid-life crisis.
Murph
Overworked Sausage.......
Dear Murph,
I need some help as I am always late for rugby. The reason is that I am at home 'making sausages'. Even on Saturdays my wife insists I 'make sausages'.
I say
'no Ellen (not her real name), no more 'making sausages', Bosh yells at me if I am late and 'making sausages' makes me too tired to play rugby.'
Please help me Murph
Anon, Tadley (via Orange Free State)
Dear Anon, Tadley (via Orange Free State)
F**ck the rugby, 'make sausages'!! After all your not getting any younger, anyday now you could go from a bratwurst to a chipolata.
Murph
