Cranleigh 24 v Tadley Coffin Dodgers 21
As the tournament started Tadley had an early start (11.30 am) the warm up consisted of Mark ‘missed the daughters birthday’ Telling phoning his wife. Several cigarettes being smoked as the nerves of defending the ‘Cobham massive 12s bowl’ made the players edgy.
An experimental line up saw some of the big guns kept in reserve for the upcoming bowl battle. Roger “still-a-ref” Moffatt made his debut with a 3 minute display of how to avoid being tackled. The warm up was a waste of time Cranleigh scored 3 1st half tries.
Pete “sat nav “ Williams went to centre in the 2nd half for Simon “drop goal “ Denning, Williams always found the shortest route to the ball.
Tadleys comeback began Simon” drop goal “ Denning threw an inside dummy to Mark “ Bosh the pacifier” Allan who didn’t know where the hell Denning was going, Denning cut straight through their defence only to be tackled 3 metres from the line, Denning of loaded to Allan who was still trying to figure out which way Denning was going so decided to just follow the long flowing blond hair, Allan got tackled on the try line and turned to see Bill ‘Taggart’ Copland and Mark “ missed the daughters birthday “ Telling in support. Taggart had a big smile on his face in anticipation of scoring and Telling looked as if he wasn’t going to stop running till he got back home to the wife and daughters birthday, Taggart took the off load and scored. When Dave ‘broke back mountain’ Seal got the 1st of his 5 tournament tries Tadley had roared right back into the game,it looked like Tadley might win as to everyone surprise, especially Tadley they looked fitter thanks to their energetic and hard running sub bench. Ian “ nearly went to Chobham” Edwards made his rolling sub debut as an impact tight five and rucked over everything in his way, particularly his captain !! Ian “ only here for the beer “ Murray made his rolling sub debut at second row but forgot to push in the scrums.
Just as Tadley began to worry they might end up in the main competion Simon ‘Drop Goal’ Denning kicked it to the Cranleigh flier who ran in a score to settle it to the relief of both teams, a late Tadley conciliation try made no difference.
End of first game and still no sign of Steve “the man bag “ Edney
Taverners 5 v Tadley 21
Now needing to win to retain their bowl a longer warm up was needed, Mark’ missed His daughters birthday’ Telling was on the phone a good 5 minutes.
Dave ‘ Broke back Mountain’ Seal ran a penalty from his own half for a good try, Dennings switch with Rich ’Homeless’ Barnes was meant for Paul’ Reg Varney’ Johnson, the way Barnes took the ball at full stride was thing of beauty, (Johnson would have dropped it) the ball then went back to Simon who stepped the last man for the try of the tournament. The Coffin Dodgers were smoking, Bill ‘Taggart’ Copland was shot by a hidden sniper after a great break and passed to Dave’ anger management’ Boshier for a run in from half way.
Tadley tired second half and stopped hitting rucks so brought on the one man rucking machine- Ian ‘Nearly went to Chobham’ Edwards who laid waste to all before him in a frightening display of rucking.
Roger lasted 4 mins this game, End of 2nd game and still no sign of Steve “the man bag “ Edney
Plate semi final- Weybridge Vandals 12 v Tadley 5
After finishing 2nd in their group they found themselves up against Weybridge Vandals who were red hot favourites for the plate, they had only narrowly lost to eventual tournament winners Civil Service in the ‘group of death’ which had seen Teddington knocked out of the competition in the 1st phase, this after Teddington spent 30mins warming up for a game doing proper stretching exercises. As for the Coffin Dodger warm up, The chance to add Plate silverware to the Coffin Dodgers already bulging trophy cabinet saw a near 10 minute phone call from Mark ‘missed the daughters birthday’ Telling. The ‘Vandals warmed up, a spy in the Dodgers camp over heard them talking about attacking the blindside and other tactical stuff, a complaint was lodged by the Dodgers but apparently in a rather controversial ruling the Tournament committee said tactics were allowed, in the spirit of the game the Coffin Dodgers refused to budge, no tactics in their camp.
Roger lasted 4 mins this game.
Paul “ one two, one two “ Hollingshead wanted someone to pass the ball to him. The scrums were a curious affair and showed the draw back of trying to use tactics, the Dodgers pack shoved the Vandals scrum back as the Surrey mob wanted to play a forward light, much arguing broke out and the ref who was checking his rules sheet for the whole game seemed to side with the Dodgers much to the Vandals coach’s dismay.
Tadley played well in the 1st half excellent lineout work from ‘anger management’, who was starting to regret his idea of having all the lineouts go to him as it meant along with ‘Homeless’ and ‘brokeback’ he played every minute of the Dodgers games, his catch lead to a chance to clear the lines but a chip kick landed with a Vandal and they broke away to score against the run of play.
Now confident the Vandals upped their play,The Dodgers were defending valiantly, one murderous hit from Taggart had the Vandals player and crowd gasping. The Dodgers couldn’t get out of their half until ‘Broke back’ scored from a 22 drop out with a mazy run. Taggart missed the conversion. 5-5 with 3 minutes left.
Bosh started shouting at everyone as it looked as if we could win it and make the final, Matt “ the throw “ Bowyer started bleeding. Vandals stole the kick off and the Dodgers watched as they ran through to score. No matter this was all a ploy by the Coffin Dodgers to avoid extra time and another game! The bar had been running for quite long enough by now. Boats had managed to keep to his vow of silence the whole day.
The” Man bag “ showed up for this game
Thanks go to our 2 supporters, Roland 'did actually go to Chobham' Denning and Nick 'going to be a ref like Roger' Curtin. Another brilliantly organised tournament by the hosts Cobham, with again a big selection of guests ales, Steve ‘ the Plough is Calling’ Murphy was upset his great mate ‘Old Tom’ didn’t return but it was a fine show, with 10 guest Ales there.
Distracted Tadley committed the cardinal sin, while picking up there Bowl trophy which they have won three years in a row now and taking the plaudits for ‘team of the tournament’. They took their eyes off the drinks on the table, someone or probably a team disgruntled by the flair on show by the skilful Coffin Dodgers spiked the drinks with rohypnol, we are waiting for labs tests for confirmation. It wasn’t long before the symptoms kicked in; a craving for Asparagus soup, memory loss, lack of co-ordination and an inability to recognize your surroundings.
Let what happened to Tadleys finest be a lesson to all.
The symptoms first started to show when navigator Pete ‘Sat Nav’ Williams mistook the Surrey countryside with his native Wales, after visiting a Harvester, driving past non existent pubs and a few wrong turns something had to be done. Paul’ one two one two’ Hollingshead took over, after a promising start it was suspected he was also feeling the effects, when he asked to be dropped at home,which turned out to be an athletics track,. Dave ‘Broke back’ Seal tried to direct the group to the liveliest venue in Basingstoke ‘the Kestrel’ but ended up getting out in a housing estate inconsolable with the group who didn’t want to go into a pub which had 2 men and dog in it.
From here things really went down hill. Pike was all over the place when he was dropped off, claiming to not know where he was- a theme later to be followed by others.
Bill Copland was in the same state- it was like dealing with a person coming round from a two year coma, getting him off the bus- he had no idea where he was and had to have three attempts to get up the kerb and after having as much luck getting his door key in as his drop goals, his wife had to let him in!
Denning got off the bus saying “here is my bag, I have had it with me all the time so stop here and I will jump out.” Of course it was Barnes’s so he had to bed down in a spare stall in Reg Varneys Stables.
Roger got off the bus opposite his house but as the bus was blocking his view he started shouting “where am I you C****” where have you left me?” and then walked off in the opposite direction.
So stay safe when out and about and never take your eye of your drink.
The Coffin Dodgers - Steve ‘the man bag’ Edney, Graham ‘where am I’ Pike, Paul ‘one two, one two’ Hollingshead, Steve ‘ the Plough is Calling’ Murphy, Mark ‘missed the daughters birthday’ Telling, Matt ‘the throw’ Boyer, Ian ‘only here for the beer’ Murray, Ian ‘nearly went to Chobham’ Edwards, Dave ‘anger management’ Boshier, Pete ‘sat nav’ Williams, Boats ‘the grunt’ Boats, Roger ‘still-a-ref‘ Moffatt, Mark ‘Bosh the pacifier’ Allan, Bill ‘Taggart’ Copland, Dave ‘broke back mountain’ Sealy, Paul ‘Reg Varney’ Johnson, Richard ‘Homeless’ Barnes, Simon ‘drop goal’ Denning. |
